Myth: The higher the capacity for empathy, the better

Empathy has become a popular concept in recent years. Something ‘you must have’ and which, according to Roman Krznaric (School of Life), would spare the world a lot of misery. Sensing, being able to stand in the other person's shoes, attuning to what the other needs and acting accordingly are important aspects. The expectation is that developing the capacity for empathy brings about a more closely knit society. Certainly now, in times of Covid-19 / Corona, there are clearer examples of this: there is sympathy on a large scale for the people in essential professions. People try to imagine what it is like for the ICU care workers and other nursing staff. A large part of the population takes into account that they must be protected wherever possible.

‘Leaders should be empathic’

By now ‘being empathic’ is an important characteristic of modern leadership. There are several definitions. One of them is: ‘Empathy is the art of imaginatively placing yourself in the thoughts of other people, thereby understanding their feelings and points of view and letting yourself be guided by them in your actions’ (source: ‘Empathy’ Roman Krznaric) and: ‘Empathy is the ability to recognize, understand, and appreciate what others may be feeling and thinking. It is the ability to view the world through another person's eyes’. (source: The EQ Leader, Steven J. Stein, PhD).

Empathy is not sympathy

The concept is often confused with ‘sympathy’, a pleasant feeling that he or she evokes in you. Empathy goes further and beyond your own feeling. A possible pitfall of an overdeveloped empathy is, among other things, that it can get the person themselves into trouble. That is something you hear little about. We are familiar with: ‘the more, the better’. As a child I noticed the negative sides of an overdeveloped empathy. Other people's moods crept under my skin and I would go and solve their problems for them. At the time I had, incidentally, no idea that this sensing and acting on it did not apply to everyone. That did become noticeable at a certain point. My father used to sigh now and then: ‘I hope you become a little less sensitive’. Sensitivity, however, can also be powerful, provided you recognise your own boundaries.

This remark came up when I recently coached a manager. Each time he stepped it up a notch to understand his manager's wishes and to meet them in his leadership. It was, however, never enough. Meanwhile he was also ‘rescuing’ within his team. Constantly busy solving his employees' problems. I regularly come across organisations, boards and management who want to join in with a trend, without first really entering into the conversation with one another about what is actually needed.

#Myth1 about very high empathy

Back to the myth that a very high capacity for empathy is a goal to strive for. Too much of it is not effective here either. In the theory of EQ-i and emotional intelligence there is a ‘risk of being high’ (based on source: MHS):

• Finds it hard to separate feelings and make more business like or level headed considerations;
• Can easily be ‘used’ by others;
• Finds it difficult to make decisions;
• Cannot, or finds it hard to, say ‘no’;
• Too worried about others;
• Denies their own feelings.

(Re)cognise the needs

For those with an overdeveloped capacity for empathy: learn to recognise your own needs. Selflessness and the capacity for empathy are wonderful qualities. There is, however, a thin line between giving and giving yourself away. Examine the situations in which you overstepped your own limits. It can help to ask someone in your immediate surroundings for feedback. Not the one who ‘gratefully makes use’ of it, but that friend, partner or, on the contrary, someone a little further away: a colleague or manager who occasionally holds up a mirror to you.

As with many social and emotional skills, it is often possible to trace where an overdeveloped or underdeveloped behaviour arose. But for now it is important to start recognising these :)

Valérie Docters van Leeuwen

The Art of People coaching & supervision

What do you create?

#Empathy #Leadership #Emotional intelligence #coaching